Holiday Reflections: Understanding our authentic true sexual-selves
As we celebrate this holiday season, it’s a time for love, connection, and reflection. In today’s complex world, conversations about sexuality are more prevalent than ever. This shift toward open dialogue is heartening, yet in my work with couples and individuals, I often observe the pervasive pressures of “shoulding” that influence our sexual lives.
Shoulding refers to the unrealistic expectations and societal norms we impose on ourselves regarding our sexual behavior, preferences, and identity. This inner dialogue about how we ought to feel, behave, or identify can create significant emotional strain and confusion in our intimate relationships. As we gather with loved ones this season, let’s take a moment to celebrate our unique journeys rather than conform to imposed standards.
One of the most troubling manifestations of shoulding is the pressure around performance expectations. Couples frequently feel obliged to engage in specific sexual acts to meet perceived standards, transforming what should be a joyful experience into a source of stress and self-doubt. Instead of openly exploring desires, worries about meeting a partner's expectations can diminish intimacy.
Cultural norms also play a pivotal role in shaping our sexual experiences. Research indicates that societal definitions of what is acceptable in relationships can lead to feelings of inadequacy, shame, or guilt when we diverge from these norms. Whether it’s the expectation to pursue casual encounters or adhere to a monogamous format, the struggle is real and can inhibit authentic connections.
Body image significantly influences our sexual well-being, too. The belief that we must fit a specific mold to be desired can undermine self-esteem and stifle our expression of sexuality. These insecurities may prevent us from fully engaging with our partners, fostering fear of judgment based on unrealistic beauty standards.
As we approach the new year, I encourage you to join me in breaking free from these constraints. Let’s prioritize open conversations about our desires, boundaries, and identities. Creating an environment of acceptance allows us to express our true selves, fostering deeper connections without the fear of judgment. Remember, there are no one-size-fits-all standards in sexuality. Our journeys are unique and deserving of celebration.
To make this journey more fulfilling, share your experiences with shoulding. What burdens have you lifted this past year? How can you move forward into the new year with a renewed sense of authenticity? Let this holiday season be a time of heartfelt connections and genuine self-expression, allowing us to embrace who we truly are.
Breaking the shackles of shoulding is an ongoing process filled with reflection and vulnerability. By rejecting imposed negative societal expectations, we can accept our authentic selves, leading to enriching experiences for both ourselves and our intimate relationships. In my therapy work, I strive to create a should-free environment where clients can celebrate their sexuality, nurturing deeper, more satisfying connections.
Please share your thoughts and experiences with shoulding below. I invite you to reflect on how you can move forward in the new year with love and authenticity at the forefront.
If you’re ready to unpack the shoulding that’s been weighing on you, I offer private sessions to work through these patterns together. You can book a consultation and start creating space for more authenticity in your relationships.
Wishing you a holiday season filled with joy, love, and renewal.
